Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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