Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
