i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
