I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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