I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
