he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
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I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
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Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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