how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
