we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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