I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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