I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
