Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
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