You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
In other news, I just burned my penis
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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