he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
