She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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