please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Randomize
