I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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