I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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