who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I think i got beer on your cat.
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