Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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