If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
