her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
