I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped