dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
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He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
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he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants