And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
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Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
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This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.