Dignity is for republicans.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
