DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
