Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
