my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
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