ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
