Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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