The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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