I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
