dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
