bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
