I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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