I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
