I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
