The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
