Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Randomize
