So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
So squirting runs in the family.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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