I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
