Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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