oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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