Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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now i know why i became what i already was.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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