you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
