Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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