I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
