Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
