She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
