A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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