just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
