ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
