Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
