Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize