woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
