i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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