Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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