i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
