i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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