Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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