I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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