Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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