She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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